Posted by: Louise | March 3, 2010

Where do I start?

Typical. I spend months thinking, “I’ll start a blog”. It’ll be the perfect release for the whirlwind of thoughts racing around my brain. I have finally done it and now I don’t know what to write. When you begin in the middle, how do you know where the beginning is? When life goes off the beaten track, how do you pinpoint which particular step was the one that started you on the journey?

I remember waking up with a start one night a few weeks after Laura died. From the depths of sleep it had come to me. I had pinpointed the moment we had slipped into this alternate universe. If we could just get back to that point in time we could do something differently and all would be well.

We had been walking into the hospital for a ‘reassurance’ (oh, how little we knew) scan when a text message came in from my brother. That was it. No ‘bolt of lightening’ moment. Just receiving a text message, but in my dream there was a certainty that at that precise moment our lives changed. In truth our lives had already changed. We didn’t know it then, but Laura had already died. Half an hour later I was lying on the hospital bed listening to the monitor and pressing the button every time I felt her move. We didn’t even know it then. It was my heartbeat the midwife had picked up and Laura wasn’t kicking, but bobbing gently in the fluid that up until a few hours earlier had been nourishing her life. After was about to begin…..

So where does our story begin? Was it the day my parents gave birth to their second daughter (and she is not me)? Or when K came home one day announcing he had booked his vasectomy and we had one month left of russian roulette (in truth we had -2 weeks and counting)? Or was it in an overcrowded maternity hospital two days before Christmas 08?

There are many beginnings and one very definite, unexpected and overwhelming middle. And that is as far as we’ve got really.

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