Posted by: Louise | March 7, 2010

after life

Two years ago today things started to go very pear-shaped. Astro boy, our number one son, was having his fifth birthday party and K took to bed with the ‘flu’. Four days later K was gasping for breath and rushed to hospital with a very scary dose of pneumonia – scary as in read all the medical stuff and, as bad as it can get, it got.

Astro boy’s party day is always going to be a strange one and possibly ‘strange’ here is me denying just how much it brings up because there are too many krispie buns to make to allow myself go there. Last year I was radiantly pregnant with Laura. This year I was turning a cake into an iceburg and adorning it with plastic penguins, making ‘Rockhopper’ buns and desperately trying to turn our regular party games into ‘Puffle’ and ‘Sensei’ games as Astro boy’s party mutated at the last minute into a ‘Club Penguin’ party. There was no time to stop and think.

And then the partygoers had left and Astro boy was opening his presents with his cousin and one remaining guest and there were the kids talking about my sister, and how she had died when she was just two weeks. And then Laura and how she had died before she was born, or had she lived for one second? Or had she ever lived? But she was still living – just in a different way. Because “no one dies forever.”

Little boy racer (our number two son – 4 years) had been wondering if some of our guests were going to bring their baby because he “really loves their baby”….. And nine months and 25 days later, we are all still missing our little Laura, still feeling her absence.

I got a last minute invite to see RENT – the musical. In the very last scene Mimi dies and comes back to life saying ‘I jumped over the moon.’ She had been in the tunnel with the light at the end and met a friend who told her to turn back – it wasn’t her time yet.  And I’m fighting back the tears and thinking that miracles can and do happen and why couldn’t they have happened for us? Why did my sister or Laura’s Nana not meet her in the tunnel and send her back to us? “It’s not your time, sweetheart, turn around. Your family are all waiting to meet you.”

The people I am at the show with are talking about Mimi’s miraculous recovery as tedious and unbelievable and I remember again that I am living in my own personal after life now.

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