Posted by: Louise | March 10, 2010

breathing

And then the sun shines and the birds start to sing and I almost discern a spring in my step. The heavy, heavy weight of grief that has pulled me down for(ever, it seems,) months has lifted, temporarily. And now I wonder, will people think I am over losing Laura? Will they rejoice because I am ‘back’? Look, she has tended a patch in the garden. She has been to the beautician. (Actually, I don’t think they noticed that.) She has laughed. I saw her dancing the other night, and she looked like she was enjoying it….

Truth be told, I can’t stay down there forever. I do love life. I do want to be involved in life. I just don’t know how to find meaning in life now. Nothing matters as much as trying to function after suddenly, shockingly being with(out) child, without my child, Where did she go? How did she go? I don’t know how to live life carrying my absent baby in my arms. “See, everyone, she is still here. She is always here. If I am not sad, I am guilty for not feeling sad or remembering when Laura was here or being caught off guard by someone else’s present baby or mostly seeing the huge void in our lives that Laura will never physically fill.”

And I know I will be back down there soon. These days are reprieves. They are a chance to fill my lungs with oxygen before the heavy weight descends again and I am pushed/pulled under.

I started swimming lessons yesterday. The plan – to master my breathing after years of swimming ‘just fine’ with my head above water.

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