Posted by: Louise | March 23, 2010

ruptured connection

Why does it hurt so much? And so deeply? It has knocked me sideways. I have hurt before but never like this. It is a feeling that is so much bigger than words. It is so much more than just feeling.

A couple of months ago B.B. (before blogging), I tried to find words to describe the pain and the longing and the physicality of losing Laura…..

It’s about connection
and expansion
and ruptured connection
and….

You were here
among us
and now you are gone.
But your passing on,
while it happened at your time, when your time was up,
happened in the middle of a process for me.

A ruptured process.

I was mother
growing a baby and
growing a baby
is so much more than just that.

My body busy,
caught up in the cycle of life –
Baby grows within.
Mother expands to accommodate this growth.

My pelvis expanding to nestle you into it.
My belly expanding to contain your life.
My veins expanding,
protruding from hands and legs,
as they carried the extra blood to nurture you within me.
My feet expanding
to carry the weight
of you….
and me…..
and us.
My breasts expanding,
preparing themselves for the milk they would generate and convey to feed you.

My mind expanded,
filled with dreams for your future,
dreams for our expanding family, fears for our future – fears and dreams.
My heart expanded.

My heart expanded with love for you.
As you grew, my love grew.
The two were and are inseparable.
This love was no emotional icing spread on top of my pregnant belly.

It was and is our connectedness,
our essence,
our mother/daughter completeness.
I couldn’t have helped loving you even if I tried.
My soul expanded.

Your father and I had come together
and out of our love had come life. It is about connection
and expansion
and now, for me, it is about rupturing.

Your time up.
You have slipped silently away,
but I
am still here
tangled in the myriad of interwoven cycles that are life.

My pelvis has contracted back to size.
My belly
(by and large)
no longer hints at your presence.
My veins too, have retreated and
are carrying on with business as usual.

My breasts have filled
to bursting,
waiting and aching and waiting for your presence
your loss
your absent presence.
Even they too have returned to themselves
ceasing their painful vigil for your hunger.

But there were other parts of me that had been waiting for you too.

My arms
have hung empty and useless
yearning to encircle your solidity
to carry you
until you found your independence.

My chest has ached and shivered with your lack.
There has been no child to soothe
with the gentle rhythmic beat of my expanded heart.

My mind has woken me,
alert and racing in the middle of the night, but
there has been no baby there to nurse,
to tend to,
to care for.
My mind once filled with dreams for you,
now wanders aimlessly.
What are we to do with such precious dreams when they become redundant?
Where can they go?
My mind expanded, but it can’t contract.
You were and still are real,
but I am left with an echoing chasm where my dreams for you once were.

And my heart.

My heart,
eight months and nine days later
still aching
with every heart beat for your presence.
Instead
filled
with the overwhelming presence of your loss.

My expanded heart,
hammering about loudly
in that huge abyss in our lives where you once were,
are meant to be.

Oh God. My placenta didn’t even want to come out.
None of me was ready
or prepared
to part with you.

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