Posted by: Louise | April 5, 2010

Lost

I wrote this a few days ago, but have been away in the wilds of broadband-free land….

Lost. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in my life. Lost in this world that used to be so familiar. Am I supposed to have accepted Laura’s death by now? Am I supposed to be moving on? Admittedly there are some days when it all seems so very far away and I wonder was it all a dream? Did I dream you Laura? Who are you that I can miss you so much, long for you so much and yet know you so very little?

Acceptance. Is that the key? When I accept that this has happened, that this is my life now, that I am the mother of a dead baby, that Laura’s death doesn’t grant me rights to a living baby, is that when I will start to feel less lost?

When the bad stuff just kept happening (After K had been sick. After he had lost his job. After numerous other bad inconsequentials. After his Mum had died the weekend of my 40th birthday. After we had gone in for our 12 week scan the day after the funeral, thinking this is it, this is where we turn a page and we can focus on life again, only to be told there was a risk our baby might have down’s syndrome.) I said to someone, in despair, one day, “If only I could find out what I am supposed to learn from all of this, the bad stuff might stop happening.” Her reply. “That is a very scary god you believe in.”

But I can’t help it. I came full circle during my pregnancy, from scary to God of hope and possibilities. The last thing I wrote in my journal was “I believe in the miracle of you, Laura Grace.” And I really did.

And then she died. And I don’t know why. Did I not believe enough? I know that isn’t true. I know it doesn’t matter. A baby’s life is not determined by how much we believe in it or not.

But I can’t help being angry. I want to fight this. I want to defy that scary god. I want to stand up and say, “This is me.” I’ve pretended long enough and I can’t pretend anything anymore. I don’t want to accept this. I can’t go back to living my life as it was because I am a different person now. I don’t want to ‘just take what life sends my way’. Maybe it is just as ok to fight it as it is to accept it. Who’s to say?

I can wreck my head with wondering what the right way to be with this is. All I can really know is what is in my heart. And right now my heart is yearning for a living baby in my arms. It isn’t reasonable. It isn’t sensible. It isn’t convenient. I can’t come up with a sound argument for bringing another child into the world. Is there a sound argument for bringing any child into the world? Do I need to argue a case? This is coming from a place in me I never knew existed. There are no words.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: