Posted by: Louise | May 5, 2010

finding a space for Laura

……………… silence ……………………………

It’s like I’ve shut down, or sped up to over drive.

The words are there. They are always there, but they are spinning around too fast at the moment to catch. Can it be a year? What is a year?

in the garden with Laura

finding a space for Laura

This exact time last year, I remember, it was the kids bed time. I was having a 5 minute lie down on the bed as the chaos of bed time filled the air, the house. K came in and sat on the bed for a chat. Laura kicked away merrily and I rested my hand on my belly. That was the last time I stopped and really acknowledged Laura, before life took over again and it was taking the kids to school, writing assignments, bringing the Little Boy Racer to the doctor with an asthma attack. (I know she was still with us then because I would have mentioned any worries to my GP.) I had strong Braxton Hicks, really strong, but I had been through three labours so knew it wasn’t labour. The books said the Braxton Hicks get stronger with each pregnancy….

And now our dinner conversation with the kids is “how will we mark Laura’s birthday/anniversary?” What will we call it – Annibirthday? Birtheversary? The pull of life wants to swallow the day up. It’s a busy time of year, Giraffe Princess’s dance show, a brother’s stag, teaching commitments, dinner parties. It’s on a weekday. Even without all that other stuff it would be busy. I feel like I have to push back a great big wall of life to hold one small space that acknowledges Laura’s tiny life and just how much it meant to us. And how much its loss continues to mean to us.

So we will do something. We will bring flowers to her grave. Astro Boy wants to make a birthday gravestone for her. Somehow her gravestone has been a task too much for this year so for her birthday Laura will get an Astro Boy drawing on a piece of slate. The Little Boy Racer thinks that she should have “just a little bit of junk” food since it is her birthday – maybe we’ll eat cake at the grave. The Giraffe Princess is writing a poem. I will light her candle. K may hide under the covers of our bed (or he may come out). I will play Laura’s songs. Friends and family will call and we will eat pizza and toast our daughter’s very short and very precious life.

We will do something.

And then a year will be up. A new year will begin in this after life. There will be more tears – maybe not quite enough to fill a swimming pool this time. There will be laughter – maybe more heartfelt. And there will be Laura Grace in the stars, in the rainbows, in the butterflies, emptying buckets of water on our heads in the rain – just for fun.

…… and in our hearts. That is a space that will never have to be fought for.

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Responses

  1. Hi, Nice post!

    I really like it especially the part “And then a year will be up. A new year will begin in this after life. There will be more tears – maybe not quite enough to fill a swimming pool this time. There will be laughter – maybe more heartfelt.”

    I will surely reading your other posts.
    Thanks!


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