Posted by: Louise | June 29, 2010

Fraying

I’m fraying at the edges. I’ve been a control freak for as long as I can remember – control freak, dependable, organised, depending on who is describing me and the mood they are in.

It’s part genetic conditioning. My Dad trained us all in the meticulous art of dishwasher packing, a training I am relieved to hear from my brother’s partners, has stuck with all of us. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone in my compulsion for order. We are also whizzes at packing luggage into cars.

The other part is born of experiences. By the time I was just turned eight my – much longed for – sister had died (before I ever got to meet her) and I had been molested. A need to control would be quite an obvious aspiration, I think, and I have perfected it over the years.

Calm, unflappable, serene, organised, sorted, in control – all words used to describe me. You may not know what is going on, but I’ll have it sussed. You may feel lost, but I’ll know exactly where we are. Not any longer……

Today, for the second time, I have turned up one hour late for an accupuncture session. Today I worried all day I might forget about this session. I kept reminding myself about it. I even saw it in my diary. Now that I look at it, it clearly says 6.00pm. I arrived at 7.00. The last time I had the whole family and my friend’s kids arranged around my mid afternoon session at 3.00. It was at 2.00. This is not me. I’m all sewn up, never miss a thing, sussed. I don’t forget stuff.

Things are coming undone.

It happened at work too (thankfully finished now until September). I forgot stuff, didn’t send people forms, names fell through cracks and were found too late. I can’t trust myself anymore. My boss tried to reassure me by saying that even in this state I was still more organised than the rest of them, but …….

I always have to lock the car twice. The first time is automatic. Everybody is out. Press the button on the key. Then five steps later I start wondering if I have locked it. Hmmm. Only one way to be sure. Unlock the car and lock it again. It’s the not trusting myself I’m afraid of. The car thing has been going on for years. I laugh at that. But what if I can’t trust myself at work anymore or in life? Did I do that? I’m pretty sure, but am I certain?

I don’t like feeling like I’m fraying. All control isn’t good either. I know that was bound to come apart at some stage. But if I can’t trust myself with the basics………

Maybe it is that feeling of I think I’m fine. Yeah. I think I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m grand………… I’m so very very not fine.

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