Posted by: Louise | October 15, 2010

wave of light

In a couple of hours we are going to a memorial service, organised by the hospital where Laura was born, to remember lost babies. We went last year and it was a beautiful service – a space to acknowledge our loss, but also a space for the staff of the hospital to acknowledge that this loss affects them too. It will be sad, but I want to go and this year we thought we would bring the kids too.

But I’ve had such a day. I discovered some creatures in the Little Boy Racer’s hair as I tucked him up for bed last night. Ugh. Just as the possibility of calm stretched in front of me – some bad tv – I had to uproot everyone, back to the living room, and begin the comb throughs.

In the middle of that a trainer for a course I organise rang to say she was just out of Accident & Emergency. She was on crutches and couldn’t work today. She organised someone to cover. He rang this morning to say he had just loaded his car to leave for work and the engine wouldn’t start. And that kind of set the pace. He arrived (in another car) but just in time. I’ve been chasing my tail all day – getting up early to get everyone shampooed before school, losing work on the computer, arriving late for things, getting stuck in traffic.

I want to go, but I want to stop.

How can the all consuming parenting of our little dead Laura feel relegated to an optional extra when we get a chance to parent her openly?

……… and now it’s late and we have been and returned. A packed church. So many missing little ones. So many missed little ones. Sorrow. Comfort. Ripples of candle light. Baby lost friends.

“It’s one year later and I think I am still numb.”

“I still can’t believe this has happened to me. This is my life now.”

“It just gets harder.”

“This can’t be it. There has to be something more than this.”

There is comfort among these baby lost friends. There is comfort in these ripples of light.

Sorrow. Comfort. Babies lost. Lost. lost. Friends.

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