Posted by: Louise | October 31, 2010

Day 30 – a dream for the future

And this is almost too hard.

I’ve been wondering all day what to write, fully realising that it was supposed to go up yesterday. And this is as far as I got….

Right now, these past few days I have felt so very low – crawling back to bed low – I wonder what anti-depressants are like low – I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m so very, very not fine low. The strange thing is it has been coming in waves so I genuinely am fine and then without any specific trigger I am plummeted to the depths and the tears are spilling.

This type of low is a new thing for me. It’s not like the early days of losing Laura when I wanted to feel all the feelings that her loss triggered – a sadness, a lowness that felt absolutely right for the enormity of what had just happened. This low is heavier, more melancholic. I’m wondering is it depression. But then if I was depressed would I be able to see it so clearly?

Anyway, we are just back from trick or treating and a glass of wine with friends so I am feeling good – good enough to think about the future and have a dream for it. Earlier, I couldn’t even go there.

And so, a dream for the future………….

I dream of a time when I can look around me and say “This is my life” and be contented with what is my life.

I dream of a time when sadness is a part of me, but not a part that cripples me, or a part I have to gloss over. It is just a part of me and K and loving Laura, and it just is.

I dream of a time when I can look forward to the future again, to the next event or the next stage, and not be crippled by the fear of passing time or the fear of unknown possibilities.

I dream of a time when I can dream….



  1. Louise dearest,

    I honestly don’t know what to say. I do not know the right or wrong words to use…
    But I wanted to write something just so you know I am here, listening and reading and thinking of you always. I wish I could do more, if there was a way I could take away some of the sadness you carry, I would gladly do so.

    Sending all my love to you and the family from merseyside xx

    • You do more than you can possibly know. Thank you.

      Big big hugs.

  2. To dream…

    I find myself needing to be in the present. I ache for the past (when Cullen was alive) or I yearn for the future ( another little soul?). I am letting the present slip away…

    I am working on it….

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