Day 30 – a dream for the future

And this is almost too hard.

I’ve been wondering all day what to write, fully realising that it was supposed to go up yesterday. And this is as far as I got….

Right now, these past few days I have felt so very low – crawling back to bed low – I wonder what anti-depressants are like low – I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m so very, very not fine low. The strange thing is it has been coming in waves so I genuinely am fine and then without any specific trigger I am plummeted to the depths and the tears are spilling.

This type of low is a new thing for me. It’s not like the early days of losing Laura when I wanted to feel all the feelings that her loss triggered – a sadness, a lowness that felt absolutely right for the enormity of what had just happened. This low is heavier, more melancholic. I’m wondering is it depression. But then if I was depressed would I be able to see it so clearly?

Anyway, we are just back from trick or treating and a glass of wine with friends so I am feeling good – good enough to think about the future and have a dream for it. Earlier, I couldn’t even go there.

And so, a dream for the future………….

I dream of a time when I can look around me and say “This is my life” and be contented with what is my life.

I dream of a time when sadness is a part of me, but not a part that cripples me, or a part I have to gloss over. It is just a part of me and K and loving Laura, and it just is.

I dream of a time when I can look forward to the future again, to the next event or the next stage, and not be crippled by the fear of passing time or the fear of unknown possibilities.

I dream of a time when I can dream….