Posted by: Louise | November 3, 2010

all souls

I could breath a sigh of relief. It would appear I had been spared at least one thing in Laura’s passing. I was not a neurotic Mum. I had not turned into a Mum terrified by the endless possibilities by which my next child could be taken from me. I seemed to have more of a “the worst has happened to us” angle on things. I won’t be flippant with my children, but I won’t panic either.

And then the little Boy Racer had an asthma attack. And not for the first time in recent years I was driving to the GP with one of my nearest and dearest struggling for breath in the car. And the GP was sending me on to A&E. And I’m driving calmly, purposefully because that is what you do. And ……

It is days later. I’ve told the story of our hospital run over and over. I’ve stressed the part where this asthma attack did not look any different to me, but for some reason LBR didn’t respond to the medication this time. I haven’t glossed over any of it.

But it wasn’t until yesterday when the Giraffe Princess said she had a headache – she still had a headache (it’s been going on for days) – but it felt different to her usual headaches. It felt like something was on the inside trying to push out. It wasn’t until then that I realised there is no guarantee with any of our children. I don’t know what the future holds for any of them. They may be taken from us one by one.

I am not ignoring her headache. She has had a run of late nights and she picked up a virus a few weeks ago that seemed to manifest itself in a tummy ache and headache. Late nights. Virus. These are two very good reasons for her to have a headache. This is however the first time that I have gone to the morbid zone with my kids over a common ailment. And some places are too scary to go……

* * *

K used to joke.

K used to joke that the chances of anything happening to one of our children, one of our unborn children was quite likely because nothing had ever happened to any of our friends’ kids. That obviously was before.

Nowadays I think the chances of anything happening to any of our friends’ kids, our friends’ unborn babies are quite unlikely because it has happened to us. I mentioned this to someone and she said, like you are a lightening rod between the land of living and dying.

I don’t want to be a lightening rod.

And then there is the sadness…..

The change in the clock, the increase in darkness, the laying dormant in wait of another season of growth – all of these change us, change me, alter my experience of days and time. It is a time of dying – of nature’s annual cycle coming to an end.

Samhain. The origins of Hallowe’en. A time when it was believed the borders between the land of the living and the dead thinned and souls could cross over for a time. This is a time for burying down, down, down in the dark, clambering under the covers to the place of souls.

Of course sadness is in this place. Sadness is all around and absolutely right for this time of year.

Don’t fight it. Allow it. Just let it be.

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Responses

  1. The fears I have around my living children eat at me these days. I never knew these kinds of thoughts. My oldest has had a headache that coincides with an unwanted dinner for the last 2 days. Even still I think what if?
    I hate these thoughts…


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