Posted by: Louise | December 25, 2010

a gift

Last October I took part in the thirty posts in thirty days for Baby Loss Remembrance month. Each post had a different theme that a number of baby lost Mums wrote about on each day. It was a lovely thing to do – a clear space carved out of each day to remember Laura and explore the Laura-shaped lens through which I now experience life. It was also lovely to get to know some other Mums better.

One of the themes during the month of posts was “a favourite piece of art.” All the pieces were very moving, but one piece in particular from the Lazy Seamstress really stayed with me. “Woman with Infant Flying” by Brian Kershisnik, reduced me to tears.

Losing Laura has been, without doubt, the most heartbreaking and difficult experience of my life. I miss my baby. I miss her living, breathing presence. I miss the faith I had in life before she left us. And yet her leaving has opened up a new world to me or given me a new lens through which to experience this world. One awareness this new lens has brought is just how much we are connected, in absence as well as presence. How can I miss Laura so much when I knew so little of her? What is this love that grew inside me with her? It wasn’t based on external factors – how cute she looked, how well we got on. There is something very physical and yet utterly ethereal about this love. I want to hold my baby. I want to feel her weight in my arms. But that is not for this world. She is still here, just not sadly as you would have her, were the sage words of a friend who had experienced the loss of his adult son.

“Woman with Infant Flying” captures this for me, captures a place where I can hold my baby, high above the world, a different kind of mothering.

About six weeks ago I jumped into the car and turned on the CD player. “Walking in the Air” from The Snowman came on and I heard the lyrics with new ears. I played the song on repeat for the half hour drive home, tears streaming down my face, and I pictured myself instead of the snowman and Laura instead of the little boy.

…….I’m holding very tight
I’m riding in the midnight blue
I’m finding I can fly so high above with you

On across the world
The villages go by like dreams
The rivers and the hills
The forests and the streams

Children gaze open mouthed
Taken by surprise
Nobody down below believes their eyes

We’re soaring in the air
We’re swimming in the frozen sky
We’re drifting over icy mountains floating by…………..

This place has become real for me, ethe-real maybe, but these days I am not limiting my life to only what is physical, visible, scientifically explicable. I love this place. I want to thank Brian Kershisnik and Jeanette (the Lazy Seamsterss), and Raymond Briggs and Howard Blake for helping me find it. Tonight I want to offer it to you.

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Responses

  1. This is one of my most cherished prints… after seeing the print on Jeanette’s blog I hunted it down and ended up purchasing one. There is one more available through Brian if you know of any other BLM’s who want one… it is a signed artists proof.

    I am thinking of you mamma.. today has been unbearable for me. Crying uncontrollably throughout what should be a festive day.

  2. It is so hard, isn’t it? I found myself in floods watching the Muppet’s Christmas Carol, the bit with Tiny Tim. We had a candle burning for Laura and my sister Rachel on the dinner table. Astro Boy sang “Walking in the Air” before we ate and managed to reduce more than just me to tears.

    Thinking of you too.

  3. Absolutely… I lost it when my husband and I got into an argument about a broken remote control.. it was just the last thing before I broke. I had tried so hard all day to hold it back…
    Thank you so much for sharing Louise.. it helps so much to know that there are other mammas who know exactly what this is like.. especially when my own family just does not seem to ‘get it’.
    Wishing you peace…..


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