Posted by: Louise | March 23, 2011


Little Boy Racer: Mum, how many brothers do you have?

Mum: I have six

Little Boy Racer: What are all their names?

…..extended period of time working out what everyone is called, what order they come in and who are they married to or going out with…

Mum: You know I had a sister too, but she died like your sister, Laura.

Little Boy Racer: What was her name?

Mum: Rachel

Little Boy Racer: Mum, why did Laura have a little peek at me?

….referring to one of Laura’s eyes opening as the skin began to dry around it. To the uninitiated in baby death, a moment of horror. To us, a gift because we got to see her little eye…

Mum: I think she wanted to have a look at you to see what her big brother looked like.

Little Boy Racer: I wish Laura didn’t die.

Mum: Me too, LBR. Me too.

Little Boy Racer: Because then, when she was older, I could see what she looked like.

….and on and on…….

Ask not how, just breathe.
Because you can. Because you must.



  1. I wish Laura didn’t die, too. Missing her with you. Mourning, aching. Laura, the world is missing you.

    She matters, and she always will,

    Cathy in Missouri

  2. Oh mamma… I think that parenting our living children leaves us open to these moments that would otherwise go unknown. This moment must have been so achingly beautiful and painful for you all at the same time. When my children talk about Cullen I have this pull within my heart.. I wonder if it is the same for you. The pain is from both the death of one of our children and the grief that comes with that, as well as the pain we know our living children have experienced as well. But there is beauty as well.. beauty from the fact that our living children know their sibling.. that they speak Laura and Cullen’s names to us..that they are unafraid to ask and talk about death.. that they know the beauty of the love that surrounds them in the absence of so many things they too have lost out on. I am grateful for the moments when my children ask me about Cullen and speak about his tiny but beautiful life. I am proud that he is as much a part of our family as those who are living. I am proud of my children for so many things, but I ache just the same for all of the moments they have lost with their brother in the moment that he died. I wish things were so very different… and I know that it is like this for so many of us. Keep breathing Louise… it is all understood so completely.. as if not even having to say the words.
    Sending you and all of your family love and light….

  3. Thank you both.
    I love the connection of these moments, not just with Laura, but with others missing Laura too. For a moment it doesn’t feel so lonely.

    Leslie, the castle was given to us about five years ago in a kit with very very limited instructions. K’s Mum bought it from a Kleeneze catalogue, when the Giraffe Princess was into princess dresses and castles. We were overwhelmed by the lack of instructions and gave it to one of my brothers to make. He found it recently, still unmade, covered in dust.

    K wouldn’t let me dump it and took it out to see if it was possible. I got addicted!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: