Posted by: Louise | May 11, 2011

liminal spaces

Is it Laura’s birthday soon?

Yes, LBR. It is in two days.

The Little Boy Racer is in a public toilet, shouting his questions over the wall to Giraffe Princess and I.

And how old will she be then?

She’ll be two.

Mum, when Laura is a grown-up she won’t fit in her box anymore.

Giraffe Princess turns to me and we smile a knowing smile at each other – a smile full of the bizarreness in our family conversations, the mssing-ness of Laura, the contentment of including her in our lives and the enjoyment of LBR’s innocence.

That was two days ago.

***

It is in. Done and dusted.

I meant to take a photo of it before I submitted it, but the thought and the act didn’t meet, so now my thesis is in and no picture. Imagine black (fake) leather, gold embossed letters, words rarely heard in common speak and you get the picture. A weighty tome in more ways than one.

Now my head has all these new words and concepts floating around inside it and I don’t have to wrap them up in scientific evidence or Such-and-such (200X) said this. So here is one. “Liminal Space”

I like the word liminal. I like how it sounds. It is soft and flowy – gentle, almost. I like what it means – in between space. It is a space of possibilities, a space of challenge, but a space of possibilities; a space somewhere between a mother’s arms and the rest of the world.

LBR lives in a liminal space. He knows death is forever, but in his death the person goes on living – just not here. It is a world of Laura not being here, but softened by the possibility of her growing somewhere and maybe (just maybe) turning up again some day.

I like liminal spaces.

***

I was determined my thesis would not be submitted on Laura’s birthday. Her whole life I was studying. Her last few hours with us I was sitting at my desk, completing the last assignment (excepting of course this thesis). Once that assignment was done, I could sit back and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy – but there was no ‘rest of the pregnancy’. She was gone.

I submitted it yesterday. Laura’s birthday is today.

Happy Birthday Little One.

This day is yours.

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Responses

  1. Happy Birthday precious Laura.. may that liminal space be full of beauty and light.
    Thank you for sharing this post Louise.. sending you love and strength my friend.

  2. in between… I like that. Missing Laura on her birthday, LBR’s logic is wonderful, i could do with more of that.

    Wishing you peace and happiness.

    xxoo ines

  3. What an amazing post. Just amazing. Beezus just asked me if Lucy was always going to be a baby, and it broke my heart and made me joyful. So, firstly, happy birthday Laura. You are missed the world over, baby. And congratulations, Louise, on your thesis being out of your hands. AMAZING. I exist in liminal spaces too, between all kinds of worlds. Not sure how to get into the real world sometimes.

    xo


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