Posted by: Louise | June 16, 2011

First class honours

The results are in.

Screaming it to the world is not me bragging, more of an effort at fighting the self-deprecation that I wear like a second skin.

In 2007 I went back to college to study for an MA. The Giraffe Princess was six. Astro Boy was four and the Little Boy Racer was two. In Spring 2008 K got pneumonia and nearly died. I worked on. In Autumn 2008 he lost his job and I discovered I was pregnant with Laura. I worked on. Christmas 2008 K’s Mum died and concerns were raised over Laura’s health. I worked on. Spring 2009 the doctors discovered that Laura had a congenital heart defect. I worked on.

9th May 2009 I completed the last assignment of my MA (except the thesis). Laura died. I stopped working.

Spring 2010 I fought hard to gain a further six month extension on the initial 12 month extension I had been granted for my thesis. The irony of this fight was not lost on me. I was studying in a department that trains therapists. My own MA was all about facilitating people in their personal journeys. My own personal journey was not fitting neatly into the academic timetable.

Autumn 2010 I was finally able to venture cautiously back towards my studies. The desk had been moved twice in an effort to disentangle it from Laura’s all too present absence. The bookshelves likewise. Even so, the tube of hand cream in the drawer, the dates on my notes, the thoughts recorded in my learning journal, the feel of my seat under me were all reminders of a time when Laura was.

And so I studied. I wrote. I struggled. I cried into the computer. I cursed a world that compels people to move forward when every ounce of their being wants to stop and “be” or, better still, go back and “be with” a time when we were all here.

And somehow the thesis was completed and printed and bound and submitted and marked and marked again and read by the external examiner and…..

Now I have my MA with first class honours in:
– group facilitation
– keeping going in the face of adversity
– keeping going in the face of unbearable grief
– being a wife and mother when crawling into a dark, dark hole was all I cared about
– pulling my life into some kind of shape when it had all been blown asunder
– standing my ground when the powers that be demanded I perform
– not just keeping going, but learning tentatively to live again

This one is for you my little princess….

And this is from another life before it all began….

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Responses

  1. Louloubelle – well done! First Class Honours – wow – and in spite of everything you have had to deal with. You are an amazing woman and I am so proud to be your cousin.
    Thinking of you and our Laura Grace. xx

  2. Beautiful. Congratulations. I love your list of first class honors. It is perfect. You are an amazing woman, your cousin is right. I think so too. Sending you love. Remembering your girl. Thinking of you.

  3. I know, I don’t really know you, and only recently discovered your blog,but I just wanted to say congratulations, that’s truly a great achievement, well done!

  4. Oh congratulations. You amazing, AMAZING woman. Inspirational. Fantastic, extra-ordinary and something you will always have that was Laura and you, you and Laura. No matter what.

    So very pleased for you.

    • Oh f**k. Now you have me crying in work, Merry. Thank you for reminding me that this award is about Laura and I together. xx

  5. Thank you all so very very much. My words are escaping me now…

  6. Many congratulations on your wonderful MA result. You are certainly qualified in everything on that list and more. And I can’t say it better than Merry already has.

    Here’s to you and to your Laura xo

  7. That’s wonderful. Congratulations to you on your graduation and for having the strength to power through it despite the obstacles.


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